D is for Drama
Wild love, or mild love? The whirling dervish of a ruinous romance, filled with flare-ups and falling-outs? Or a simple, stable, dependable relationship, filled with cozy fireside chats and the Sunday papers in bed with breakfast?
It sometimes feels like mad and bad is the way love should be. A symphony of smashed up china, broken promises and busted hearts. A famous psychologist, when told that a particular patient had fallen in love, asked ‘Who against?’ For some, love seems a battlefield, with no winners.
But this is love as a disease – a dis-ease – and not the path to true happiness. Psychologists tell us that drama is an addiction, a romantic Polyfilla, filling the gaps where intimacy should be.
The Top 5 relationship disputes are child rearing, money, housework, closeness, and sex. And sometimes we just fight because we fight.
But we have a choice. Between Tragedy, which is based on human suffering – there are no happy endings, only lessons to be learned – and Comedy, which enjoys a lighter tone, and happy endings.
We can choose the role we take, the script we write for ourselves, our own love story. While tragedy wins Oscars, comedy is much harder to perform. It takes timing, wit and a lightness of touch. But it also provides a much bigger prize – love that lasts.
Drama is:
Exhausting
Conflict engages the adrenal glands, prompting a fight or flight response. Both conspire against lasting love.
Inevitable
Disagreement is an inevitable part of a relationship. The worst thing we can do is to sweep it under the carpet. Accept that an argument is just disagreement, and not the end of everything, and you are on the first step to understanding, respecting and resolving your differences.
Manageable
It’s not whether you argue that matters, but the way that you argue. Relationship counselors talk about ‘Clean Communications’. These begin with the phrase ‘When you do (X), I feel (Y). Constructive and non-judgmental, they make a difference. They make love last.
