Sorry a little late that usual, personally I blame the distraction of Easter eggs. Here is I is for Intimacy.
I is for Intimacy
There is a very talented relationship psychologist called John Gottman whose ‘Love Lab’ experiments have had a profound effect on the way we understand relationships.
Within minutes of interviewing a couple, Gottman is able to predict to an astounding 93% accuracy whether the relationship will last. He does it by dissecting though video, heart rate monitors, pulse amplitude and skin conductivity the emotional impact of the way couples communicate. He is on the lookout for what he calls the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” – Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness and Stonewalling.
Every relationship displays these traits at some point, but when they are habitual they become sure signs that it is in trouble. Because they each in their own way destroy intimacy.
Intimacy is the lifeblood of love. From the idea of ‘making known’, it is the way that we share confidences, vulnerabilities, secrets, fears … bodily fluids – and, ultimately, our lives.
If we criticise our partner and worse, show them the sharp teeth of contempt, or, if we close communication down with defensiveness and stonewalling, we cauterise the veins through which our lifeblood runs.
Love is made up of dialogue and transparency, vulnerability and reciprocity. It is more fragile than it sometimes seems. Either shutting down, or the opposite, completely opening up will eat away at the very thing that nourishes us.
Don’t let the Horsemen run wild.
Be separate, together
Be close but not too close. Walk together but apart. Be interdependent but independent.
Make it up
Arguments are inevitable – resentment isn’t. Make sure you make up clearly and sincerely. Anything swept under the carpet will trip you up later.
5 things
It takes 5 positive comments to atone for one piece of criticism. Make your apologies count.
